Motherhood: A New Chapter Of My Life

Moments fleet and so will life. What am I doing?

I ask myself a several hundred times these days and since the past year.

Because the past year changed me. Altogether.

I never thought I would ever have optimal time to streamline my thoughts. Those sad sad thoughts. anybody care to listen my whinning? Sometimes writing all the melancholic moments and incidents would rather “sort” me. if I define precisely.

I don’t have time , is my ready excuse to anything these days. No optimum time or ibadat, zikr, and those proper moments of sheer silence where you connect with Him. Reconnect I would say.

Jotting down strayed thoughts as my daughter passes me her heart shaped cushion to pretend a slumber party on it. I would perhaps never be able to do what I really want to? But isnot that what mothers do? Sacrificing their own identity for the plain happiness and nurture of their offspring?

Whats different?


What for? Her.

Perhaps this is the first time shes not jumping on the Mac and yayy I have finally written something however raw and strayed the mumblings are…

Rabbir Ham huma kama rabbayani sagheera…ameen




Our Sustenance

It is through the faith

That you see Him


Through the trials & tribulations,

He endows you with

That you find Him

And the pieces of your poor self

He urges your soul

To pick and heal,

By gratitude and Hamd

It never was about how hard you pray…

For O man you pray with hypocrisy

Showing off bare imān with the highlights of your raw taqwā

It always has been about the imān

You hold

And when the piece smashes afore you,

It either makes or breaks

All of you!

The Essence of Hajj

With feeble hearts
worn out feet
We stumble
In thy path
For the intent
That is made
For the call
That is said
For the piety
That is emblazed
We stumble
In thy path
Our camp
That is distant…
At the site of Mina
With crowd of guests
For thy mercy
We ask
We stumble
In thy path
We meet thee
At yaoum ul arafah
And beseech
For your forgiveness
We stumble
In thy path
At the jamrah
We pelted
Your hated one
We stumble
In thy path
We turn to you
For the sacrifice
O Allah!
And you know
We stumble
In thy path
We circumambulate
But you
We stumble
In thy path!

Makkah Diaries: Visiting Him – Part-2

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَـنِ الرَّحِيمِ

The decision was made for me.

Yes, I was going to visit his house baitullah…house of Allah with Muhammad this time for good. Who would say I have thought of it? As unbelievable as it sounded, I began to count Allah SWT’s blessings sure they were nth and my counting a bajillion times would not give them their due.

Was I going to meet Him in His house?

Was the little girl who would look up to Papa’s face was really called this time?

Has Allah SWT really heard her wishes when she asked from her in-depth caves of heart?

Indeed He did.

The decision was made for me. Alhamdulillah.

Muhammad and I were planning to visit Him now. This time around though was without Papa, Ammi and Dadi (May Allah rest her in peace with His ultimate Rahmah and open doors of heaven in her grave, ameen).

I was anxious, over-whelmed but content altogether.

How would it feel?

Would I be able to see the Majestic Ka’bah?

The black four cornered entity that stands as an evidence of a divine sanctuary ever since mankind has been descended on to this earth? The hands of Ibrahim A.S and Prophet Muhammad PBUH has touched whom…

What will the moment behold for me?

Am I truly going to witness the glory of noorun ‘ala noor

9:00 pm: At the crossroads

The wind of MakkahAl-Mukarramah kissed my face and being a sinful creature I embraced it. I gazed long time to the Makkah sky…stark black without the Qamr this time around. I stared the long wide metallic boards, the smooth roads, GMCs, land cruisers, Fords etcetera and finally…

Husband and I entered the hudud-e-haram after a long journey in ihram – the holy state when one performs ‘Umrah and Hajj. I knew it as we cross the monumental mushaf enthralled open in white and green afore us…subhanallah. This was just the beginning of the sacred journey we were going to make. Insha Allah.

Tears rolled down my cheeks as we crossed the hudud…was I finally in Makkah?

I looked down at my black garb and tried to grab hold of the trembling feet with my cold hands. Was the AC in the Tucson too high? I heaved in silence and the sighs were mixed with tranquility and amazement. I thanked Allah SWT under my lips that Muhammad thought I was sleeping.

Yes I was here.

This is the land where the Prophet Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم and his companions lived. Home to tawheed – Unity of Allah SWT and the unimaginable trials my beloved prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم and his companions went through. It’s the land that reminded me of all the seerah lessons that I listened to as an student of Islam and I finally related to. Even not that close, but we were adulating the sand under our feet.

Prayers emerged unknowingly… O Lord! Now that you have called me here make us the true ‘abd of yours. O our Wali! Accept from us and bestow us your forgiveness. Amen !

To Haram Sharif…

As we weaved our way to the Haram sharif surrounded by gigantic and majestic mountains one thought stayed long with me…

These mountains have seen the Prophet Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم and the Prophet Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم have seen them…and now 1400 years laters we are seeing them…the blessings are still here. Ain’t they?

O Allah grant us the grains of your mercy, ameen.

The crowd streamed towards haram sharif and amongst it we were two individuals hurling our way to His home. I was excited with what lay ahead. I was humbled as to where I was. I was spell-bound by His glory. I was fearful of Him. Muhammad hold my hand and kept briefing me about the dua’s we have to make for ourselves and others and of the geography of the land we were walking on.

May Allah bless him immense, ameen.

Labbaik Allah humma labbaik
Labbaik la sharika laka labbaik
In-nal hamda
Laka walmulk
Laa sharika lak.

O my Lord, here I am at Your service, here I am.
There is no partner with You,
here I am.
Truly the praise
and the provisions are Yours,
and so is the dominion and sovereignty.
There is no partner with You.

I recited tashreeq again while looking down.

Huge hotel buildings tried to remain erect as the crowd was flooding. They were there as long as the sight rest and amidst them the classic abraj al-bait – the clock tower. The needles were ticking and as astonish as I already was by the magnanimity of the place I finally witnessed a sense of déjà vu.

The image of that little girl having her breakfast of layered parathas and chai in the courtyard loomed in my mind. This is the same place! Papa ammi dadi look I am here again! I wanted to scream. Oh much I missed them! Words clogged in my throat yet my vision was continuously hindering and blurred.

Men, women and kids amassed the courtyard of haram sharif. A continuous rumble and hustle was in the air with the soul piercing fragrance of haram sharif’s cleaning surf. I misunderstood it for the divine place’s habitual fragrance and Muhammad corrected me.

The floor was as brightly white as the moon’s light. The crowd was as if they have forgotten to sleep and praying was the only important thing right then.

 And why not it be?

Towards Mataf

Escalating our way barefoot towards the mataf …Muhammad asked me to lower the gaze so that when I rest my eyes on Ka’bah I can have the first glance and pray. I was an amateur…I did as I was told. And then out of a sudden ka’abah loomed in front of us with hundreds of people belonging to varied ethnicities circumambulating. The holy sanctuary stood there for millions and millions of Muslims visiting it every part of the day from around the globe.

And then among those millions I was a fraction of His chosen ones.

I was here.

Labbaik Allah humma labbaik
Labbaik la sharika laka labbaik
In-nal hamda
Laka walmulk
Laa sharika lak.

O my Lord, here I am at Your service, here I am.
There is no partner with You,
here I am.
Truly the praise
and the provisions are Yours,
and so is the dominion and sovereignty.
There is no partner with You.

A sudden gush of hot tears overflowed and continued and a hard lump rose in the throat like a date seed. I prayed…we prayed there together what felt like an eternity not noticing who was standing beside us. We sobbed hard with hiccups that did not cease and tears that ran out. With prayers for His mercy and barakah. O Allah SWT! O our Wali!

Just then at a distance in the mataf, tip-toeing on the marbled floor of haram sharif, the little girl smiled back at me her eyes flooding with tears.

Right then with the time lapse of roughly 15 years ago the picture has fallen in its place in the canvas.

Bait-ullah…This is Allah’s home.

This is my home too. Because home is where the heart is…

Read Part 1 here.

A Letter to My Friend: Seeking the Counsel of Trust

بِسْمِ اللَّهِ الرَّحْمَـنِ الرَّحِيمِ

Dear Friend,

When we fall, we fall hard.

One primary aspect of our life is trusting Him in EVERY situation. The notion may sound casual, as we go on saying, “have faith” or Trust Him” or “Don’t worry”. How can one not worry when the descended case is so-worrisome? How can one depict hard bound faith in the feeble states of our imaan?

I know these are simple questions demanding our centuries struggle to overcome faith.

One true example is Prophet Jacob (May Allah be pleased with him), when he showed patience, taqwa and trust in Allah Subhana wa ta’ala even though he was going through the most crucial tunnel of his life. When Prophet Yusuf (May Allah be pleased with Him) was taken away and he spent a considerable amount of time (read: years) patiently waiting till Allah’s decree descend.

He could have complaint Allah SWT yet he preferred patience.

He (Yaqoub) said: Nay, your souls have made a matter light for you, so patience is good; maybe Allah will bring them all together to me; surely He is the Knowing, the Wise.

 (Surah Yusuf:83)

This life asks for your sacrifice.

They say Allah SWT is as per your thinking. Good things come to those who Trust Him.(because ultimately they will enact good and so on and so forth)

I know the nafs yearns to go against what He says. A lot of times we do not understand the hikmah in the situation but believe in Him the rest will follow insha Allah.

Or think you that you will enter Paradise without such (trials) as came to those who passed away before you? They were afflicted with severe poverty and ailments and were so shaken that even the Messenger and those who believed along with him said, “When (will come) the Help of Allah?” Yes! Certainly, the Help of Allah is near!

(Suratul Baqarah:214)

My dear, if in situations where your trust in Him dwindles, know that it’s He who is the powerful and the All-Mighty. No harm can touch you if He does not will and no goodness can reach you unless He wills. This is trust.

Trust asks us to go by His words even if it means leaving the dunia knowing that He will bring the whole world in your feet.

Trust asks us to flunk your fortune 500 company interview knowing that it asks for bribe and believing that He will grant the best rizq for you. (after all He provides food to the beings living underneath the stones, yes yes!)

Trust asks us to carry veil even when you know you won’t befit your peer company and knowing that He is the only Wali.

Trust asks us to leave that one multinational job that does not grant you leave for your ‘Itekaaf (retreat in mosque) in Ramadan and knowing that He will provide the most sufficient mean instead.

Trust asks us to meet our relatives earnestly and kindly with whom the ties have been severed in past and knowing that Allah will surely accept from you

Maulana Rumi said,

Don’t turn your head.
Keep looking at the bandaged place.
That’s where
the Light enters you.

It’s not easy, crunching your nafs and abiding by His commands. However, that’s where in between the thawab lies, right?  That’s when the light of His mercy descend on to you because know that unless you are not tested to the threshold of the pain you are not granted.

And [yet], among the people are those who take other than Allah as equals [to Him]. They love them as they [should] love Allah . But those who believe are stronger in love for Allah.

(Suratul Baqarah:165)


Makkah Diaries: Footsteps on the Holy-Land- Part 1

“Papa is it time already to leave?”

Tip-toeing her feet on the marbled floor of Haram sharif the girl asked anxiously.


Blue was the sky, cold was the air and merciful was the environment we were witnessing. The post fajr time in Haram sharif looked divine. It was September 2001 (know the significance? You better :p). We were in Makkah sharif to perform ‘umrah. It was my first ever ‘Umrah.

It was a marked moment.

It was the same time when the towers fell.

It was the same time when a plane got hijacked.

And it was the first time my birthday spent in KSA. (Nah, I don’t celebrate anymore. Relax please)

I used to hold Papa’s hands and my granny’s wheel chair as we go to offer our prayers. We were there for two weeks. Such a short period of time.

I still remember my last short visit to masjid Al-Haram with Papa and dadi. It was Fajr and there were, if I am not wrong, three janazas that morning. Lucky souls to die on the sacred land ! The weather was so pretty that morning.

“Papa is it time already to leave?”

I asked again looking at him keenly.

Papa kept looking at Ka’bah praising the magnanimity and divinity of the place. Once over he would drift his attention to the birds circumambulating the Ka’bah.

I kept asking Papa, “Papa is it time already to leave?” and he never wanted to leave the place.

The serenity was overwhelming.

We finally had our breakfast and left for the bus to our abode in Madinah.

13 years later , when I became a young conscious adult, I found the little girl who wanted anxiously to hold Papa’s hand and one kept asking “Papa is it time already to leave?” now had another emotion brewing inside her: To visit Him in His house, Makkah al-Mukarramah.

I would come close to tears for I so wanted to go to Hajj or ‘Umrah with Papa and Ammi. I would make plans with Papa and would look at his face so that someday he might say, “Nim, we are going to Makkah sharif this time beta!” and that time at least did not arrive in the next 1.5 years.